My "Life" Song...

This is MY FAVORITE SONG of all time.....

I have claimed this song as my "life" song... similar to a "Life verse"..

....and since I was sharing about my own struggle with "worth" I feel it is good reminder as to just how "worthy" I am..... in fact I am not, but HE is ... and anything "good" I do should be to His glory alone and not my own..... so Glory to Him......Enjoy and know that you too are worthy... :)

Worth...

Where do you find your worth..????

I know the answer should be easy... but often times the head and the heart have two different answers.....

The definition of worth was quite interesting:

*The quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable: the worth of higher education. 

*Good or important enough to justify (what is specified): advice worth taking; a place worth visiting. 

 So how much are you and I worth...????

By the worlds standards, apparently not too much... with millions of babies being aborted every year, and murder statistics rising...human life would seem to be "depreciating" quite rapidly....and the value they  seem to look at is all to often based on "money"...as stated above...if you can't be "rendered" desirable, or useful than YOU are likely NOT valuable at all.  How sad...... 

 

But how about God's view on it...????

God's view on worth is SO totally different....He values us as SO IMPORTANT that HE GAVE HIS SON to JUSTIFY us ......we were a people WORTH saving.....

How AWESOME IS THAT.... :)

I have to be honest here, I started this post because I was feeling REALLY worthless, a symptom of my current status in life ...let me explain...

I have 2.5  teenagers in my house who are having their "it's not fair" phases simultaneously... my job puts pressure on me just by the nature of the job to "get it right", (which I seem to mess up quite regularly) , and every-time we seem to get almost to the "top of the hill" financially... we run out of steam and start to slide back down again......

So you can see my dilemma....I have been letting my circumstances decide my worth.....

How silly of me, right..??

Maybe so, but here is where the heart comes in... my heart is heavy with the burden of wanting to "get it right" and not wanting to FAIL at any of my stations in life, being a Mom, or wife, or an employee, or friend, or just  plain person...... and I AM FAILING....... on all these fronts it seems... I want to say "Let go and Let God"....but that feels like a cop-out....like I'm expecting Him to fix it all....and truth be told I would love it if He would.. don't think I haven't prayed that prayer.. You know the one, it goes something like "If you would just do this one thing, I'll ........."

So where does the heart go from here...broken, and bruised, how do I stop feeling like a failure......????? How do I fix the broken and mend the bruises......???? These are answers I am on the road to find.....I don't want to mess up with my kids .. there are no do-overs in parenthood, and I don't want to mess up at being a wife, and while I can get another job if I screw this one up..(hopefully), how does that make me look to them...???

Here is where I cling like CRAZY to the cross, to the undeserved mercy, and the never ending grace of my Most Heavenly Father, and pray without ceasing, and give thanks that I have the people I have in my life....

"..being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 1:6

...and KNOW that I am WORTH saving.....

 

 

Just, Fair, Love....

...well my mind has been turning ever since I posted that last entry... knowing that I had more to say but not sure how to say it.....

... there is still more trapped in my head wanting to get out.....

I asked a friend yesterday morning when he was here to fix our heater (convenient that he is also a pastor).. the questions she had asked me.. and we discussed it.. 

Since then I have thought some more...  and I have come up with several things that these questions encompass....

First, the question of justice... is God just?? .. and the answer is "yes".. he is perfect justice because he cannot be unfair, or unjust..it is not in his character.. HE is Perfect..and therefore completely just....we tend to think of justice as "getting what you deserve".. in which case we would all be dead.. because none of us has lived up to His perfect standard..except for his precious Son... through whom we are justified ..through his precious blood.
God allowed the little girl to die...yes...but if you read the story today...another life was saved because of it...  so in some way that little girl will live on...Glory to God

Second, the question of fairness, is God Fair??...the answer is of course "yes" again..... see He doesn't view sin on a scale like we tend to do..he looks at it as just what it is... "anything that goes against His perfect law"....there are no gray areas for him. It is all black & white.....
we tend to say that murder is more sinful than say lying to a friend... God doesn't... he see's both as "sin" plain & simple.....and how can he do such a thing ..easy.. HE is the one who created the law.. not as a way to "catch" us doing things wrong.. but to give us guideline's to go by....and we will NEVER be able to keep them by ourselves.. we NEED him..and YES that is fairness...why?? Because HE loves us SSOOO much that he made sure to give us a way to get there..again that answer is His Son.. through who's blood He see's us without those nasty sinful blemishes.. which His fairness would require Him to destroy....


Third, the question of love.. is God love...????? If he is, how could he condemn those people to death...be it the innocent people in the shooting, the two gay people who want to marry, or anyone who is "decent" ..... The answer if of course AGAIN...a resounding "YES,YES, YES"


How do I know this? ...because His word proclaims it over and over again...


*John 3:16...-For God SO LOVED THE WORLD........etc.
*2 Thess. 2:16 -May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,.. 
*1 John 4:7 -Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
* Galatians 5:20-I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

* Ephesians  5:2 -and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Love is the ultimate sacrifice... wanting whats best for the other even if it means we are sacrificing ourselves in the process.....
God couldn't have loved us anymore than he did.. he sacrificed HIS OWN SON... in order to save all of us...because of that love... and HE wants to spend eternity with us... but he also loves us enough to let us choose...He wants us to choose Him.....he doesn't force us to love Him...

He loves US...but HATES our sin...and ever since the beginning.. when Adam and Eve CHOSE to disobey..we have been in "mortal" battle with it... the only way to win is to accept that gift of LOVE from Him.... in fact, to CHOOSE Him... first because we know we need a Savior, then because we want to follow Him and not the SIN we were born into...


for now I'll leave you with these things to "chew on"......

Simply Difficult.......

...well I have been doing alot of emotional pondering these days, and yesterday (because it is 1am now), this is actually a good time for me .. home from work and no one to interrupt my thoughts...we will see how often it actually works ...anyway.........

Yesterday was a really bad day for me, I had total hissy fits allday, feeling unloved, unappeciated, and just bad about myself.. not too mention all the "fat" clothes are tight...UGHHH.....  Seriously, I was ready to go find a rock to hide under for the rest of my life, I didn't want to deal with anything else.


How did this come about you might ask...???


Well let's start with the tragedy of last week, then add in a couple of normal selfish  teenagers,a disgustingly dirty, cluttery house, and a financial crunch......exactly...... you have my mental state now.


And then it was time to go to work, I was actually happy to go, ....and as soon as I got in the car, as I left, on the radio, was the song "Beautiful",(I will post the song , somehow) ....I almost had to stop the car and just blubber right there, but alas I didn't. Instead I continued on my trek to work, only to hear more of the same....you cannot tell me He didn't know I needed encouragement...











Then when I get to work, I get to have one of the most interesting conversations with one of my absolutely FAVORITE co-workers. I often prayfor her and I will ask you to pray as well, I won't share her name, but The Lord knows her and I know he loves her SOOO much, he gave her such a great personality....
She and I started talking and were talking politics a little..I am not "really" knowledgeable on the subject so I am not a good debater, (in that area), and then we were talkinga bout society... and the lack of just "human kindness, and decent behavior......

Then she said something about "If there was a God , how come he let the senator live and the little girl die"..
in reference of course to the shootings in AZ. You have to understand, that I have heard her make several remarks over the last several months about certain "religious" things......for instance, she always says she is a nurse to earn her credits to get into heaven...to make up for all the bad stuff she did in her earlier life...
I always smile when she says those things and let her know that ..."there is an easier way"....

Then she asksme after some other interesting quetions...two very poignant one's...

1) Is it a sin if 2 gay people get married? and if it is 2) the why isn't it a sin for a woman to marry a child molester?

These were gonna need some time and some digging to answer.. as well as some solid love. She told me before she left, that we were gonna have to go out and get a drink and discuss this further, to which i agreed.


It wasn't until the ride home that I finally figured out what she was asking.....
She wanted to know why God didn't condemn the woman for marrying the "molester"...like he was so "obviously" condemning the 2 gay people.....????


It is easy for me to understand the difference, or so I thought, I told her that the woman had free-will, and that she was responsible for the decision she made.
However, this looks bad in retrospect because I basically said that the 2 gay people didn't know what they were doing...


She can't comprehend that the fact that God wouldn't condemn this woman (who is horrible for marrying a "molester").. and yet would condemn the 2 gay people.. who weren't hurting anyone.. and were perfectly lovely people.


I can't say I don't think about some of the "gray" areas myself sometimes....but his one has me praying.. mostly for the right words to say when we have that conversation, for mercy, grace and mostly LOVE to abound when I do, I really think that she might be one of the reasons God allowed me to begin working there in the first place...I can't help but think of the story of Esther.. and the immortal words of Mordicai.. "for such a time as this".. of course he also said that if she didn't fess up she would likely perish as well.. and in some ways this is similar..
 If I don't "fess up" that God is a loving God, but also just, and that He is the only one who is perfect... I may well perish in a verbal death.....


I often wish that John 3:16 were a "go to" verse.. it is the "gospel in a nutshell" as I like to call it.... but this is gonna require some serious "digging"  in His word for some "gentle answers".


Stay tuned for more on this subject at a later date...after that "drink date"

Let's EAT......!!!!

....well the last several days have been somewhat of a blur....

And here we are into a new week, ..... life didn't stop, it didn't even slow down,

    .....except for us...we slowed down to a stop....and we remembered......and we cried......

Then we remembered and cried some more...and then we ate. Have your ever wondered why we share a meal after something like this happens??? I can't help but think that it is a comforting thing... and of course it makes the burden a little lighter for those at the center of it. It is one less thing to think about for a little while.....it also gives you time to bond a little more with those around you ......or re-acquaint you with those you haven't seen in awhile, it gives us strength physically, mentally, as well as emotionally.......it just connects us.........

....I am asking you to pay-it-forward... in honor of Mike...take someone to lunch or coffee, this week or next week, or the week after...... don't wait to make the plans...enjoy their company, enjoy the food and celebrate life....you never know when it will be over...and when you ask the blessing for the food, say a prayer for Mike's family..for the Lord's grace and mercy, and especially for his everlasting and sustaining love over them these next several months, as they will be the hardest....thanks....

Second verse, almost the same as the first....

..I am a mess right now , grief is a scary, and sometimes consuming thing.

Last night, while entering my first "post" I received news that a very close "family" friend, ...and by family I mean like literally, he was my husbands very best friend, best-man at our wedding, grew-up together, his mother claimed my husband as another of her children, we are an "adopted" part of their family, included in family get-togethers, so literally more family than friend.....
......last night he left this earth...so,  much of last night I prayed, wanting answers of course. Wanting to help those around him that are now grieving even deeper, than we are. Wishing we could have somehow done something to prevent it. Why this? Why that? All the questions that flood your mind when something you never expected, ...happens.
  So we begin the journey of this new branch on the path of life, down through the  sadness, the feeling of loss, the anger, the side of life we are much less likely to talk about... the side that shows just how little control we really have...and how vulnerable we are when we focus on things that don't really matter, until something like this smacks you in the face.. as if to say..

"Hello, reality here"

  I am not making light of the situation at hand by any means, I am truly, deeply sad, angry, confused, .......and praying....mostly for his immediate family, he was married with two mostly grown kids, his mother, his siblings and their families, for my husband, for our kids...
  So what does all this mean,..time to refocus again.... I hope it means that I will stop taking everyday things for granted, stop worrying about the non-essentials, and more about the people in my life, especially those I call "family" whether that means by blood, faith, or any other means...
   Jesus said to give him our burdens.....wouldn't if be nice if it were as easy as it sounds...I always give them to him.. only to take them back when I don't like the way he is handling them, or when I think he is taking to long....( I know I am not the only one..)..but it is in situations like this that HE is the ONLY one in ANY control... and maybe, just maybe, that is part of the lesson, there is more of course, but maybe just that part is all for right this minute... Just give it to him....
  My apologies if this seems scattered in thought, but today  is one of those days, where emotion runs me, and I seem to have many of them all at once. So they are all running on overload, and this post is what comes out when they do....

Prayers to all the Murray's...may His love cover you all in the days, and months to come.. we are with you both in body and spirit..we love you all dearly.....




 

...here we go.....maybe...speed bumps ahead....

..this is my newest "hair-brained idea"....I'm going to attempt to blog...I am almost giggling thinking about it...me a blogger. My son just left the room and his exact words were..and I quote.."You're blogging, are you gonna start "twittering" too"...he is obviously not a fan, but oh well...onward. Right this second I don't have a specific subject to "blog" about. But life is funny that way, this last year has been one of the most interesting years of my life. A year ago, if someone had told me I would go back to school, and be working in the hospital I would have told them they were crazy. It often sounds more exciting than it is.. I am in fact "just" a clerk.. or a secretary.. for the surgical floor at the local hospital......we now interrupt this blog.. with life........
   I just received a phone call, from a close family friend, emphasis on family, with one of those calls you never expect, and can't prepare for, although when it happens you can look back and say.. "should've seen that one comin' .... so I am now going to need some time to ponder things and abundantly more to pray over, through, and around it.....while nothing surprises God, I find that many things can catch me with my focus elsewhere...and that is when, like now, I have to remind myself..He is in control, and like the title of the blog.. it is Only by His Grace.. that we ....well you can finish this one yourself.....