.. I am still here.... surviving.. day by day...
God is still here, while He seems quiet, I know He is here.... His Word is slowly penetrating every part of my brain, and my life. He is showing me who He is, and reminding me, of who I am.
Most of my life I have always been a people pleaser, I was so busy trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be, I lost me, and lost my joy.
God never lost sight of who He wanted me to be. It has taken a long hard road, but He has my attention now, and I desperately want to be who He created me to be, not a copy of someone else, or a shadow of me, I want to be .... me.
Why was I never enough...?
WHY do I have to go through this...?
Why did it workout for everyone else???
How come I can't get it right..???? ... ever
In truth, I may never get answers.... and the hardest question...
..... what if He doesn't put it back together???
My fear lives there... in those words, because that is what I desperately want.... but the answer seems to be.... no....
It might be... not right now.... or wait....
But it is definitely... not now.... and so the question comes ...
... what if???
... what if it doesn't... ???
..... will I still believe... will I choose faith over fear...
.... will I choose to trust.. even in the dark, even when the answer doesn't follow my script..
I keep asking... God I have faith and trust... please help my unbelief and distrust...
It comes down to what the end goal is..
Is it just to put back together... what was broken .. or is it to heal the brokenness ... ?
I feel Him ask this in my spirit... if I give you what you want... will you still believe.. or will you return to the broken pieces of before.
My life has so many parallels to several Bible stories these days.... and it has come to life in ways it never has before.
So while I would NEVER want to go through anythinglike this .... ever again...
I have met God in ways I couldn't have before... and He has loved me through all of this mess....
I want to start living life according to His script.... instead of mine..... He is Good
... His plans for me are good (Jeremiah 29:11)
.... He wants me to choose, and keep choosing Him.... over everything....
There is freedom in this.... He loves me... just as I am.... not because of who I might be... but for who I am... who He created me to be.....
