My brain is spinning, and I can't settle it down. 

Life seems surreal lately and I feel like I can't get ahold of my emotions, or just feel "normal".

I miss my "old" life, I wish some things had been different, that some had worked out differently. That I had been better. That I had done better, I hate that I have hurt others with poor decisions I made, or rash choices I made, or words that I spoke in a moment of frustration that I shouldn't have. 

.....but I did, and those things are unchangeable now...... BUT GOD!

That phrase has come to mean a great deal to me over the last few years, because I have seen Him do amazingly awesome things, in and through me that I never could have done if some of those "mistakes" hadn't happened.

Please understand I am by NO MEANS saying that I have not felt the consequences of my own actions or the actions of others. 

The words of a song from Third Day run through my thoughts on repeat often, the line I hear most is "... Deep water faith in the shallow end.." For me, It tells me where I was and how I now see things from what I hope is a much DEEPER faith, simply because of the place I ended up.

I was at rock bottom.....if it could go wrong, it did. God allowed me to hit a place where I couldn't even look up, I just wanted to lay down and die. I didn't want to take my own life at least not at first (there was a point where I did get very close...BUT GOD again).

It was my own personal living hell, and I couldn't see the other side, I couldn't even see the next step. All I saw was darkness, despair, and all I was hearing from God, was 

...... wait......wait......wait.... be still.......be still.....wait......

In my mind, I believed this meant that he was going to put the pieces back together again, but in hindsight, I know my version was NOT His plan.

In all that waiting and being still, God slowly began to teach me that sometimes the right decisions and the right direction may still be hard and look and feel WRONG, simply because part of the faith journey is learning to 

...keep going when its hard, or feels wrong, and trusting God to get you there, (you also have to stop giving him directions on how and when, and where you THINK you should be going.... wink,wink)

I know I still have a long way to go, but I know He will get me there, because HE never let go of me in the middle of my mess, so I know He will stay with me through the rest of the journey.

Side note: I could list all the verses and devotions that He used to get me through and the friends who held me up when I couldn't stand, but its late and I stink at remembering exact refernces for scripture, I also was not planning to do this therefore I am ill prepared.

Yes,I just suddenly felt the need to put thoughts down and hopefully stop some of the swirling in my head, maybe there will be more specifics later, maybe not, I honestly don't know.

....all I know is this,,, God is Good ALL THE TIME, and ALL the time, GOD IS GOOD!