why...

 This is a question I may never truly have an answer to...

    This coming Wednesday.. is the one year anniversary of my husband "physically" walking out on our marriage, I believe he left "emotionally" many months before.... but this is just my opinion on the matter, I have learned that opinions are apparently what we live by these days. Since then I have been fighting my way out of the pits of despair, depression, self pity, self doubt, guilt, shame, and any other self loathing you might think of. I have stopped looking at facebook, because it just hurts me, he has used it to put his "feelings" out there for everyone to know that I hurt him, but he won't speak of it out loud to anyone because he feels like a "fool". 

    Sin is an ugly thing.... except that all of us have fallen prey to its deceiving luster in some way or another. See it never shows up as the putrid, ugly, disgusting mess that it is.... often it is packaged in our own desires that we believe we "deserve". I know that is often how I fall.. hook,line and sinker.. if it looked as ugly as it is none of us would fall for its lies. 

        ....but we do.....

            ...all of us have fallen....

                ....all of us have sinned....

                    .....all of us are guilty... and every sin is black... not off white ..or gray.... BLACK

My sins are plenty, and I commit them daily, they sometimes seem overwhelming. 

        .... ...BUT GOD...

This phrase has had an amazing impact on my life in this last year....

    God has had an amazing impact on my life in this last year.....  and truthfully I still struggle daily to find anything that makes me happy, and have not seen joy in some time. BUT GOD.... I know HE is here in the darkness with me.... even though in the last couple months He feels absent... and I am struggling to hold on to my faith... oddly enough I know He is still here.. and HE won't leave me.

    ...EVER... "Hebrews 13:5" says ... I will never leave you or abandon you...

God is not my husband... He won't walk out when my sin is great.. because He knew about it long before I ever existed. He knew and he chose to love me and save me anyway... in the chaos of my life right now... that thought is comforting... He knew and he chose to stay.... He knew and He chose to die on a cross anyway.... He knew and He loves my in spite of it... He knows what tomorrow holds.. and HE will still be here with me then....  

    Right now in the dark... I doubt myself... I don't trust myself or others much anymore.. I am always waiting for others to decide that my sin is too much for them too and they will walk away as well... because I am not enough or maybe too much ..... 

    I realized months ago that I had (and still do somewhat) put my husband and his opinions of me on the throne of my heart... the throne that should have belonged to God and Him alone. I believe the things my husband says about me more than I believe the TRUTH that God says about me in His word. 

    My husband has let my sin of the past dictate who he believes me to be .. and he also has let Satan lie to him and tell him lies about me as well. These thing hurt like you would not believe... but it is a stinging reminder to me of how Jesus must have felt on that day he was punished for my sin... and HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT.... its only because of His grace.. that I don't deserve it either.. he took the punishment for me. But I still feel the pain.... everyday... 

    I would be lying if I said my faith has grown by leaps and bounds... although it has grown.. I ahve learned so much about who God ISN'T as well as who HE IS....

     I still believe God wants to put my marriage back together.... and I honestly believe He told me that was the plan...but He didn't say when or how... so I MUST TRUST HIM.... and I want too... but it is soooo hard when everything is going totally sideways and looks nothing like reconciliation or restoration. My husband wants a divorce. I don't. So how do I trust God if that is where this ends up..(and is headed there still.. he hasn't filed yet.. but it is only a matter of time) ..

        ...Is divorce part of His plan...?

            .... Did I hear Him wrong....?

               ... AM I going crazy..???

                ...Why is it taking so long to find the other side of this..???

                    .. ..How can I show him love when he wants nothing to do with me??

    All of this swirls in my head.... 

    .. I understand how the disciples felt on that boat in the middle of the storm... Jesus was there with them the whole time.. but he was below deck... ASLEEP..... I know the fear they felt, the panic they felt, I have asked Him as well... WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING... don't you see what is going on.... ????              WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN???? ..... and Jesus answer was "Why are you afraid ???..You have so little faith.... "... but HE then proceeds to calm the storm.... I am still waiting for the storm to settle ... and yes my faith is ever so small... but it has grown... and I want to persevere to the other side ... but the struggle is real and I am ready to get off this ride now.