...the bottom..looking up...

... I have deliberately NOT blogged for the last week or so because I have been in the "pit of despair".... I have been loathing myself and everything around me...

I felt that I had nothing good to say.. or rather anything worth reading except to rant and rave about how "horrible" everything is....

I have been under tremendous stress from what seems like every direction... my kids have decided to go all out on a "how can we ruin Mom's life day " routine..the only way they help out is when I NAG them. I feel as though my husband has checked out emotionally... from our family.. (my thoughts, and feelings,... not his..) I had the WORST day at work the other day. I can't get my house even remotely presentable to save my life, because every time I turn around there is another mess I DIDN'T make, but have to clean up. Our finances are so tight that I can't even think about a month from now, and I am ALWAYS tired.... I HATE my LIFE right now.......

This has been my mindset for the last couple months or so it seems, but I never say anything to anyone, because I think people will judge me for thinking these things... about myself, about my kids, about my husband....about my struggles...

But I have changed my mind about sharing... not because I want to slander my kids or my husband , I love them ALL dearly... and I know that .."this too shall pass"... but right now I am in what feels like the fight of my life... for my sanity....

And it won't be a fight I can win alone.. I need help.. if you are a friend or family member .. your prayers are coveted.. if you are a follower.. pray as well.. but the winner is already decided.. and that is MY GOD.. he knows the end from the beginning... and He knows when I'll finally reach the top of this pit.. hopefully NEVER to fall back in again... but for now here I am.. at the bottom.... looking up

So here I am... one night I literally woke up in the middle of the night sobbing.. begging God for answers.. why did he make me such a perfectionist.. why does he allow me to be so constantly unhappy with with everything, why are my expectations always SOOO high.. there is no way anyone can live up to them...why can't I ever finish anything....why, why, why..???

If you have ever been in a pit.. you know the feeling.. if you haven't, Lord willing you won't ever need to find out...but I seem to live in them..... get out of one .. 3 steps later...fall in another.....the difference is.... that this time.. I honestly am not sure I have the strength to climb out......

And this is when the voice in my head..(no not literally....well maybe) says .."You were never alone.. what exactly is it that you want....?????

Truthfully, I want kids that respect their parents and others, and don't argue and fight about everything, I want a husband who cherishes me, more than his job, and I want a house that I can have friends over too.. without clutter as far as the eye can see because my kids can't pick up ANYTHING without my nagging them, and the financial freedom to enjoy little things now and then, without worrying if I'll be able to pay the bills if I spend the money on this instead.....

Just typing this is making me cranky....

So where do I go from here..........the only direction I can (at least I hope)......... UP!!!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD.. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope!"

                                                               -Jeremiah 29:11