My brain is spinning, and I can't settle it down. 

Life seems surreal lately and I feel like I can't get ahold of my emotions, or just feel "normal".

I miss my "old" life, I wish some things had been different, that some had worked out differently. That I had been better. That I had done better, I hate that I have hurt others with poor decisions I made, or rash choices I made, or words that I spoke in a moment of frustration that I shouldn't have. 

.....but I did, and those things are unchangeable now...... BUT GOD!

That phrase has come to mean a great deal to me over the last few years, because I have seen Him do amazingly awesome things, in and through me that I never could have done if some of those "mistakes" hadn't happened.

Please understand I am by NO MEANS saying that I have not felt the consequences of my own actions or the actions of others. 

The words of a song from Third Day run through my thoughts on repeat often, the line I hear most is "... Deep water faith in the shallow end.." For me, It tells me where I was and how I now see things from what I hope is a much DEEPER faith, simply because of the place I ended up.

I was at rock bottom.....if it could go wrong, it did. God allowed me to hit a place where I couldn't even look up, I just wanted to lay down and die. I didn't want to take my own life at least not at first (there was a point where I did get very close...BUT GOD again).

It was my own personal living hell, and I couldn't see the other side, I couldn't even see the next step. All I saw was darkness, despair, and all I was hearing from God, was 

...... wait......wait......wait.... be still.......be still.....wait......

In my mind, I believed this meant that he was going to put the pieces back together again, but in hindsight, I know my version was NOT His plan.

In all that waiting and being still, God slowly began to teach me that sometimes the right decisions and the right direction may still be hard and look and feel WRONG, simply because part of the faith journey is learning to 

...keep going when its hard, or feels wrong, and trusting God to get you there, (you also have to stop giving him directions on how and when, and where you THINK you should be going.... wink,wink)

I know I still have a long way to go, but I know He will get me there, because HE never let go of me in the middle of my mess, so I know He will stay with me through the rest of the journey.

Side note: I could list all the verses and devotions that He used to get me through and the friends who held me up when I couldn't stand, but its late and I stink at remembering exact refernces for scripture, I also was not planning to do this therefore I am ill prepared.

Yes,I just suddenly felt the need to put thoughts down and hopefully stop some of the swirling in my head, maybe there will be more specifics later, maybe not, I honestly don't know.

....all I know is this,,, God is Good ALL THE TIME, and ALL the time, GOD IS GOOD!

When God doesn't follow the script...

 .. I am still here.... surviving.. day by day... 

God is still here, while He seems quiet, I know He is here.... His Word is slowly penetrating every part of my brain, and my life. He is showing me who He is, and reminding me, of who I am.

Most of my life I have always been a people pleaser, I was so busy trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be, I lost me, and lost my joy. 

God never lost sight of who He wanted me to be. It has taken a long hard road, but He has my attention now, and I desperately want to be who He created me to be, not a copy of someone else, or a shadow of me, I want to be .... me.

Why was I never enough...?

    WHY do I have to go through this...?

        Why did it workout for everyone else???

          How come I can't get it right..???? ... ever

In truth, I may never get answers.... and the hardest question...

    ..... what if He doesn't put it back together??? 

My fear lives there... in those words, because that is what I desperately want.... but the answer seems to be.... no.... 

It might be... not right now.... or wait.... 

But it is definitely... not now.... and so the question comes ...

... what if???

   ... what if it doesn't... ???

     ..... will I still believe... will I choose faith over                    fear... 

     .... will I choose to trust.. even in the dark, even                  when the answer doesn't follow my script..

I keep asking... God I have faith and trust... please help my unbelief and distrust...

It comes down to what the end goal is..

    Is it just to put back together... what was broken                .. or is it to heal the brokenness ... ?

I feel Him ask this in my spirit... if I give you what you want... will you still believe.. or will you return to the broken pieces of before.

My life has so many parallels to several Bible stories these days.... and it has come to life in ways it never has before.

So while I would NEVER want to go through anythinglike this .... ever again... 

I have met God in ways I couldn't have before... and He has loved me through all of this mess....

I want to start living life according to His script.... instead of mine..... He is Good

        ... His plans for me are good (Jeremiah 29:11)

          .... He wants me to choose,  and keep choosing                    Him.... over everything....

There is  freedom in this.... He loves me... just as I am.... not because of who I might be... but for who I am... who He created me to be..... 

why...

 This is a question I may never truly have an answer to...

    This coming Wednesday.. is the one year anniversary of my husband "physically" walking out on our marriage, I believe he left "emotionally" many months before.... but this is just my opinion on the matter, I have learned that opinions are apparently what we live by these days. Since then I have been fighting my way out of the pits of despair, depression, self pity, self doubt, guilt, shame, and any other self loathing you might think of. I have stopped looking at facebook, because it just hurts me, he has used it to put his "feelings" out there for everyone to know that I hurt him, but he won't speak of it out loud to anyone because he feels like a "fool". 

    Sin is an ugly thing.... except that all of us have fallen prey to its deceiving luster in some way or another. See it never shows up as the putrid, ugly, disgusting mess that it is.... often it is packaged in our own desires that we believe we "deserve". I know that is often how I fall.. hook,line and sinker.. if it looked as ugly as it is none of us would fall for its lies. 

        ....but we do.....

            ...all of us have fallen....

                ....all of us have sinned....

                    .....all of us are guilty... and every sin is black... not off white ..or gray.... BLACK

My sins are plenty, and I commit them daily, they sometimes seem overwhelming. 

        .... ...BUT GOD...

This phrase has had an amazing impact on my life in this last year....

    God has had an amazing impact on my life in this last year.....  and truthfully I still struggle daily to find anything that makes me happy, and have not seen joy in some time. BUT GOD.... I know HE is here in the darkness with me.... even though in the last couple months He feels absent... and I am struggling to hold on to my faith... oddly enough I know He is still here.. and HE won't leave me.

    ...EVER... "Hebrews 13:5" says ... I will never leave you or abandon you...

God is not my husband... He won't walk out when my sin is great.. because He knew about it long before I ever existed. He knew and he chose to love me and save me anyway... in the chaos of my life right now... that thought is comforting... He knew and he chose to stay.... He knew and He chose to die on a cross anyway.... He knew and He loves my in spite of it... He knows what tomorrow holds.. and HE will still be here with me then....  

    Right now in the dark... I doubt myself... I don't trust myself or others much anymore.. I am always waiting for others to decide that my sin is too much for them too and they will walk away as well... because I am not enough or maybe too much ..... 

    I realized months ago that I had (and still do somewhat) put my husband and his opinions of me on the throne of my heart... the throne that should have belonged to God and Him alone. I believe the things my husband says about me more than I believe the TRUTH that God says about me in His word. 

    My husband has let my sin of the past dictate who he believes me to be .. and he also has let Satan lie to him and tell him lies about me as well. These thing hurt like you would not believe... but it is a stinging reminder to me of how Jesus must have felt on that day he was punished for my sin... and HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT.... its only because of His grace.. that I don't deserve it either.. he took the punishment for me. But I still feel the pain.... everyday... 

    I would be lying if I said my faith has grown by leaps and bounds... although it has grown.. I ahve learned so much about who God ISN'T as well as who HE IS....

     I still believe God wants to put my marriage back together.... and I honestly believe He told me that was the plan...but He didn't say when or how... so I MUST TRUST HIM.... and I want too... but it is soooo hard when everything is going totally sideways and looks nothing like reconciliation or restoration. My husband wants a divorce. I don't. So how do I trust God if that is where this ends up..(and is headed there still.. he hasn't filed yet.. but it is only a matter of time) ..

        ...Is divorce part of His plan...?

            .... Did I hear Him wrong....?

               ... AM I going crazy..???

                ...Why is it taking so long to find the other side of this..???

                    .. ..How can I show him love when he wants nothing to do with me??

    All of this swirls in my head.... 

    .. I understand how the disciples felt on that boat in the middle of the storm... Jesus was there with them the whole time.. but he was below deck... ASLEEP..... I know the fear they felt, the panic they felt, I have asked Him as well... WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING... don't you see what is going on.... ????              WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN???? ..... and Jesus answer was "Why are you afraid ???..You have so little faith.... "... but HE then proceeds to calm the storm.... I am still waiting for the storm to settle ... and yes my faith is ever so small... but it has grown... and I want to persevere to the other side ... but the struggle is real and I am ready to get off this ride now. 

    

He is still here......

   Where do I even begin.......

   God is here..... God is good.... He is who he says He is ... and HE will do what he says HE will do.

   So .... 

  Where is HE .. you may be wondering... ?

  HE is in the air you still breathe, the birds that still sing, the flowers that are beginning to bloom, and all the little things we seem to take for granted everyday. HE is in the laugh of a child, HE is in the smile you give to  stranger, He is in EVERYTHING!!!

.... He is also in the pain your feeling, in the anxiousness you can't seem to let go of, the sleeplessness, the ache in your heart so raw that you think it can never get better, and the pain of a loss so deep it seems like you've been consumed. 

He is there in those places too.... often He is holding us.... when we feel as though we have nothing left. When we can't move forward even an inch, when every breath is almost a gasp... 

 HE IS THERE!  

He is with you... I know... because He is with me, and was with me, in every one of my own moments and recently there have been many. AND HE has promised to be there for ALL of them.... good and bad.

God is Good... He is LOVE... HE is LIGHT... HE is an Ever present HELP in times of trouble....

HE never changes... 

ALL this may seem jumbled to you.. or it may seem like a blessing in this moment.. I don't know what God will use this for in your life... but HE will use it.. ultimately.. for His glory if you are willing to let Him. 

Often we (me) get so caught up in our feelings that we forget His truth... which also (surprise) never changes...  

What I am learning about Him, His love, His timing, His plans, and His glory... this is barely just a scratch on the surface.... hopefully stay tuned for more specifics and TRUTH in the near future...

In the meantime...

      remember ... You are loved... You are not forgotten... You are precious in His sight.

Never Forget to Remember.....

It has been an interesting weekend.... lots of reminiscing.

Yesterday we remembered my Aunt Judy ... even though she wasn't my blood relative, she was a HUGE part of my life, if only for a season. A season that ended too quickly, in circumstances that mimicked the very ones that brought us into the season that we shared. See, when I was 9 yrs. old my mother passed away while in recovery from heart surgery in Houston, TX. We were staying at Aunt Judy's when this happened, a few weeks ago, Aunt Judy passed away during heart surgery in the same hospital. God did not allow this for no reason, however, I am not sure what the reason is at the moment. I have thought and prayed for the family members often since that day. Sometimes with regret for not keeping in touch better throughout the years, other moments with just plain love and joy for the memories I have because of those years.

In the interim between my mothers passing and the summer my Dad remarried my stepmom (5 years), Aunt Judy was my surrogate Mom, along with a few others who came along side of us. But I remember many weekends and school vacations spent with their family because my Dad still had to work. One summer we almost went with them on vacation to Alabama ... but for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be and we didn't go. But I will always have those few years of memories with me. The have helped shape me into the person I am today. Even when I don't know who that person is. I learned alot about her just yesterday at the service, things I couldn't have know as a child, and for whatever reason never got to know as an adult. I know someday I will see her again, and I will give her a great big hug and tell her something I never did while she was here. I will thank her for everything she did for us all those years, oh so many years ago.

Some of the things we shared were sleepovers .. (LOTS of sleepovers) ... playing in the fort in the woods... dancing like fools in the basement, watching General Hospital in the afternoons, eating ham salad sandwiches in the kitchen, playing games on the kitchen table, while Uncle Jim was watching any game on TV...(and yelling at it) ... playing with their Dog "Nugget" ..... going to the neighbors house next door to play on their tennis court or down the lane to goof off.. and watch the cute boys...talking about those cute boys among other things... I'm certain their were many of those conversations since boys were our main focus, piling in the big white station wagon to go ... well anywhere .... and their were escapades at school ....these are just a few of the things I remember ... there are many more that I have forgotten.

  Today we remembered for a happy reason, a high school graduation, another marker for time.. this one an achievement, but with the same family.. (although a different branch) that still we call friends. Life is funny that way, how it can bring you together for the good the bad and the ugly ... somethimes all in one moment.

So thank you Aunt Judy for all the memories and life lessons you helped me through ... and to the Houston families for taking in 2 little girls in the midst of chaos ... and helping calm the storm, while teaching us that family isn't always who your related to by blood but those who are there for you when the going gets rough.

A song that keeps repeating itself in my head is Ray Boltz ... " Thank You" .... - Thank you... for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed"

2013 ... how did it get here so quickly..???

... in a little less than 2 days...
 I will be the parent of a high school graduate .....
 the saying  "time flies" is an understatement if you ask me ....
 I am NOT ready for this .... but he is ... (the graduating senior)

It seems like only yesterday I was sleeping with my arm draped over the edge of the bassinet to make sure he was breathing .... or snuggling him on the couch while we watched Toy Story for the millionth time ...... catching him "stamping" with my address stamp in my bible ... (oh boy you shoulda seen the face) .... watching him walk up that ramp to preschool .... then climbing on that big yellow bus for the first time ....... then moving and changing schools, he didn't (and still doesn't) like changes unless they are on his terms ... he was so scared he ran out of the classroom when I left, and followed me down the hall ... the school counselor and the nurse became his buddies for at least 1/2 that year ..... but when he settled in and made friends, he made several for life ..... some he had know since birth, others became the friends he has LOTS in common with .... then there was the brief experience with Boys Scouts, the years of soccer, Little League, Junior football for a couple, then he found Lacrosse and it was settled. There have been a couple girls that have had his heart ... although he won't admit that there were also a couple that crushed it .... he found himself (sort of) in middle school... he stepped out and became a leader ... a voice to be heard, and a force to be reckoned with ... ( no one ever tried though) ... he found a couple more friends ... these are the "crew" as it were, that still hang around ....

 Then it happened ... he started high school ... and it was the beginning of the end .... the grades have stayed steady, and the behavior (in public) is exemplary (for the most part) .... and he made a choice I couldn't in 10th grade ... to go to the School of Tech .... in my mind one of the single most important choices he could make ... and he did well ... spectacular in fact ... he has received awards, was inducted into the "Technical Honor Society", and placed 3rd in the state at the Skills Competition. VERY PROUD MAMA right here... :)  Which trade did he choose?? .... HVAC/plumbing ... emphasis on plumbing ... he found a full time summer job last year and that is where his future is after graduation ... he has a small scholarship for education.. his plans are to take the "welding" course through the college.

 He is truly a young man I have grown extremely proud of.... but more so of the Christ-likeness I see in him... see ... that is more important to me than any earthly goal .... to be a "Man after God's own heart" ... that is what I pray for him... I can only hope that his father and I have given him a firm foundation for his own faith .... we are certainly NOT perfect in our own ... and we try to make sure ALL of our kids know that .... trust me they see more cracks than any other people on earth ... but I also hope they see the reality in our faith ... the truth .... we too are still growing in it .... 

So in just a few short hours ..... the world will gain another working man, another taxpayer (oh joy) ... another young mind, eager to make his mark on the world ...

 .... so have at it Jacob Kenneth Clausius .... may you make Godly choices, be it in work, in love, and in life ..... Only those are the ones that will matter in the end ....

We love you more than you could ever imagine .... and our prayers are for you to grow in Him .... and we are SO VERY PROUD of your accomplishments thus far .....

Congratulations !!!!!    to you and the entire graduating Class of 2013 !!!!!

May God bless you all ... today and also in the future ..... !!!!  

He is RISEN ....... INDEED !!!!!!!

   The following is my personal thought path that became my lesson for the Junior high girls this evening..... I will let you know however ... it was preceded by a viewing of the "Passion" .... since it is in fact the Holy week. My mind was flooded with a thousand thoughts all at once but what you are about to read is what I caught on paper........

   I would encourage you to read the story yourself first ... I read it from Matthew .. starting in chapter 21 and then through.. (minus the parables) to the crucifixion and lastly the BEST part the resurrection!!!

   It was a lot of scripture to read through and while Matthew wasn't my first choice ... he does cover most of the bases. So read the story..... be taken back ....refresh your mind .. or maybe discover it for the first time ... you won't be disappointed....


   ......This past Sunday Jesus would have ridden into Jerusalem .. on a donkey... with GREAT excitement . The Jews believed him to be the long awaited "King" ...... come to save them from their "captors" as it were. But all too soon their joy and excitement turned to anger and resentment.
They were looking for Him to save them from their earthly "captivity".... He came to free them from their "spiritual" captivity......

    He was betrayed by a friend, one who valued the small sack of coins more than the life a friend...even if only for a moment....

   While He prayed in the Garden..... His other friends fell asleep... when all He had asked of them was to stay awake......

   Then while on trial....for false charges nonetheless.... one of these same friends denied knowing Him.... not once.... not twice... but 3 times...

   His own people were rejecting the truth that stood before them,
                                                                  that lived and breathed...
                                                                     One that many had listened to,
                                                                        and said they believed in.
                                                                          They had eaten with Him....followed Him ....
                                                                    but now were scorning Him,  .....and ready to kill Him

   ..... WHY????? ..... why had they changed their minds so quickly...... how had they gone from love to hate in less than a week ...?????

   In part ... because He was not what they "wanted"....
                     He didn't follow the rules they thought He should ....
                                    He didn't do the things they thought He would....
                                                 
  In fact ..... He was what they "needed" ...........................

   He brought them the truth, because He was the truth............

      He brought them life, because He was the life .........

        ...and He brought the Way ... because without His death on the cross ... there wouldn't be a way!


The truth is this .... the details ... as painful as they are ... and ultimately Christ's crucifixion on that cross .... that is the truth that sets us free.


Each of us have been one of those friends ... we have played at least one of those roles in our lives...

   .... the betrayer ... by denial, or gossip, maybe revenge, or maybe even for the "money"...

      ...we have  let someone we love down ... we fell asleep when they needed us

         ..we have believed lies for the truth ....

          ... and ALL of us at one time or another have expected Jesus to be something we "wanted"         rather than what He is ......


               .... and yet now ....... just like then ......

   ... He has already forgiven us .... we just need to ask .......

             .... "For by His stripes, we are healed" .....


Just like many of the prophecies in the Old Testament .... these things were meant to happen just as they did.

While the one who betrayed Him did in fact take His own life .... there are happier endings too ....
    ... Those who fell asleep ...became the one's who spread the gospel...
      ....The one who denied Him .... became the "rock" the church was built on ...
          ... and those who scorned Him .....even some who had cried out .... "CRUCIFY HIM!!!"
                   they became followers and members of the first churches ......


I certainly hope that you can enjoy and celebrate this Easter Sunday with the joy that comes from knowing that ...... HE is Risen INDEED ...... HALLELUJAH .....!!!!!!